Three steps forward, two steps back

Here I sit, admittedly in some comfort with my fresh sushi and cup of piping hot Darjeeling, in the Qatar Airways first class lounge at Doha international airport. Despite the many benefits of my frequent flyer card (I don’t ever actually fly first class, the Gnomad exchequer does not extend much beyond “cattle class”) I am not a happy bunny. The problem is that I am here on my own. I had really expected to have Mrs Gnomad with me on this journey. I am heading back the Magic Kingdom after the Eid al Fitr break, I spent the vacation at home in Cebu, mostly chasing paperwork for the Gnomadette’s visa. The Embassy of the Magic Kingdom in Manila is staffed by the most deliberately obstructive, arrogant, ignorant, incompetent and lazy individuals I have ever had the misfortune to deal with. Mostly they just refuse to tell you anything.

To give an example, here is a recent conversation;

“Magic Kingdom Embassy” said the voice of the Consular section of the Magic Kingdom Embassy in Manila
“A’salamalikum” Says I – this being a traditional Arabic greeting
“Thank you, we are close in half an hour”
(This means they are open right now surely?)
“Could you answer a couple of questions for me please?”
“We are closing soon”
“It won’t take long, I have a couple of questions regarding visas”
“I know nothing about visa”
(this is the voice of the Consular section, Visas are their main job!)
“Well could you put me through to someone who does, please?”
“We are closing soon”
“Is there anyone else I could speak to?”
“No-one here, we are closing soon”
“Could you tell me when you are open so I can call again later”
“You call tomorrow”
“When are you open tomorrow?”
“We are closing now”
“What time are you open tomorrow?”
You call tomorrow, we tell you tomorrow”

And so on….

When they do tell you something, it’s either out of date, incomplete, incorrect, or simply made up on the spot. It appears that the concepts of “Customer Service”, “Fair Dealing” and “Pride in doing a Good Job” have no direct translation into Arabic, or at least no translation into the dialect of Arabic used in the Magic Kingdom. This is odd because I have encountered all of these concepts practiced in other Arabic countries. Coincidentally, perhaps, in countries without massive oil or gas reserves.

We have had to resort to hiring a second visa agent to apply for the Gnomadette’s visa to Magic Kingdom, at an additional cost of over 10,000 pesos so far. Despite being told that we would both have to go to the Embassy to present our visa documents, as Mrs Gnomad is coming to the Magic Kingdom as my dependant, the Embassy does not accept personal visitors! The story now is that we must both be present to hand over our documents to the agent, who will then submit them to the embassy. Not any agent will do either, it must be an agent accredited with the Magic Kingdom Embassy. These only exist in Manila, hence the additional hire. The usual fee for a visa agent in the Philippines is about 2,500 pesos. Anyone smell baksheesh here?

The current state of affairs is that the visa documents are now in the hands of the Accredited Agent and have been for several days. The visa process should take about a week, or rather 5 working days. This might not sound so bad, apart from Fridays don’t count, as it’s a half day and the visa section don’t deal with visas on a Friday, Saturdays and Sundays are the weekend, the Embassy was shut for three days for Eid Al Fitr (24th, 25th and 26th October), the 31st October and 1st November are holidays (not actual legal holidays, just popular days off, so the Embassy was closed too).

The first attempt to submit the documents has already failed because the Gnomadette’s medical was not performed at the designated clinic. We have had the medicals done twice now, the first time with the Gnomadette’s family doctor. This was no good because he was not on the “approved list”, Ok we should have checked. We got the second medical certification done at Chong Hua hospital in Cebu. I asked beforehand if Chong Hua was an approved clinic and yes, they said, it was. This was after all where I got my medicals done without any hassle only five months ago. But no. In the meantime the rules have changed again. Chong Hua is no longer acceptable and there is now only one approved clinic in the entire Republic of the Philippines. As it stands now, the Gnomadette will have to go to Manila for at least a week to have the medical certification done all over again. It looks like it could well be another month before Mrs Gnomad can make an appearance in the Magic Kingdom.

As far as the Gnomad’s new habitat being called the Magic Kingdom is concerned, I do now have an idea. It seems to me that the task of finding an old English manor house owned by a geriatric, retired professor, then searching this house for a long forgotten room, in which can be found an old ornate apple-wood wardrobe, then going into this wardrobe, defeating the snow queen and in the process resurrecting a huge talking lion is a quicker, more practical, and far less ludicrous way of gaining access to a new country than dealing with Magic Kingdom bureaucracy.

Oh well, things could be worse, at least there is some progress. My immediate stresses are being further mitigated now by the arrival of more sushi with some fine wasabi, and a new pot of Darjeeling. It seems that, at least as far as air travel is concerned, my loyalties can be bought with comfy leather sofas,
complimentary Japanese sea-food and unlimited Indian tea.

G